It is very clear to me, as I am on my way to visit my mother, finally, that I have a very different feeling about seeing her now than I did the last time, twenty years ago. There is an absence of fear this time, of that dark feeling of keeping a secret from my father. I believe I pushed my mother away all those years ago, sabotaged any chance of building a relationship again, and of letting her into my children’s lives. I simply could not reconcile in my mind how this would work while my father was in our lives as well. The mind control, and the fear, caused by parent alienation goes deep. It cannot be overestimated. It often, perhaps usually, follows us into adulthood, sometimes, sadly, through our entire lives.
But now, finally, I am educated on the topic and I see through my father’s justifications and excuses, and ploys for sympathy. I see it all so clearly I think my heart and soul are bursting open and spilling the contents of the truth, and leading me to my Real Self, my authenticity. And just as importantly, it seems, I now have the wisdom to rise above my story, to know it is not who I am.
And I see my mother and I know to keep it light and in the present, to not revisit the past, which would prod more emotions than she can handle. I know to allow her the safety and comfort of keeping the metaphorical bandage on her forty-five year wound. Forty-five years ago we were separated.
I have heard from so many parents through this blog, and I have come to understand the depth of my mother’s pain.
Thank you, readers, for helping me to understand this.
Our visit feels like a miracle and an ordinary day, both. It is pleasant and easy, and we are both glad. We know the regret and the grief below the surface, but we don’t bring that forth on this day. We just share the day, just this day, here now, together. I am grateful and hopeful. She is my mother. Truth feels good.