Seeing my mother again

It is very clear to me, as I am on my way to visit my mother, finally,  that I have a very different feeling about seeing her  now than I did the last time, twenty years ago. There is an absence of fear this time, of that dark feeling of keeping a secret from my father. I believe I pushed my mother away all those years ago, sabotaged any chance of building a relationship again, and of letting her into my children’s lives. I simply could not reconcile in my mind how this would work while my father was in our lives as well. The mind control, and the fear, caused by parent alienation goes deep. It cannot be overestimated. It often, perhaps usually, follows us into adulthood, sometimes, sadly, through our entire lives.

But now, finally, I am educated on the topic and I see through my father’s justifications and excuses, and ploys for sympathy. I see it all so clearly I think my heart and soul are bursting open and spilling the contents of the truth, and leading me to my Real Self, my authenticity. And just as importantly, it seems, I now have the wisdom to rise above my story, to know it is not who I am.

And I see my mother and I know to keep it light and in the present, to not revisit the past, which would prod more emotions than she can handle. I know to allow her the safety and comfort of keeping the metaphorical bandage on her forty-five year wound. Forty-five years ago we were separated.

I have heard from so many parents through this blog, and I have come to understand the depth of my mother’s pain.

Thank you, readers, for helping me to understand this. 

Our visit feels like a miracle and an ordinary day, both. It is pleasant and easy, and we are both glad. We know the regret and the grief below the surface, but we don’t bring that forth on this day. We just share the day, just this day, here now, together. I am grateful and hopeful. She is my mother. Truth feels good.

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6 thoughts on “Seeing my mother again

  1. I am so pleased that at last you and your mother can meet and move forward together. I had been alienated from my teenage daughter for 5 years and myself have started the process of being re-united with her and getting to know her again. Having read a lot and educated myself about PA I can try and understand how she feels and am taking very small steps to gain her trust and the love that we used to share. I recognise that she is still very much aligned to her father but I’m so grateful for the communication we are now having. I wish you and your mother a wonderful belated relationship and my very best wishes.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Beautiful, you have done it again, expressed the heart, of the heart of the matter. I can’t wait for the book, your work has been a huge blessing in my life, it has strengthened me, and kept me going when I needed it most. This piece, as with past ones articulates all the emotion that we are swimming in, but are unable to put into words. thank you so much for speaking your truth, you lend us all your voice and we are no longer mute in our pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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