The gift of our wounds

Unhealed trauma muffles the inner impulses that guide your authentic brilliance to fully emerge.

In order to disrupt the faulty systems, we have to be willing to withstand criticism and disapproval from others while rooted in the greater vision that motivates us.

-Bethany Webster

***

The adult alienated child, if able to see the truth of their childhood, faces the daunting task of holding the alienator accountable. Ideally, adults in the child’s life would have been able to handle this task long ago, if not stopping the alienating, at least making it more difficult for him. But all this parent really needs is access to the child’s mind, and some of the child’s time, in order to begin the damage. And in the unfortunate trauma that is parent alienation, it is often the targeted, alienated parent who is made into the villain, not only by the alienator, but also by the other people who surround the child. The disgrace fallen upon the out casted parent can be shockingly insidious.

I can recall sitting outside with my sister and a neighborhood friend about a year or two after my mother was cast out of my life. We were young children, and one of us brought up the subject of my mother, a very rare occurrence. Our neighbor, a little girl of about six years old, said “I remember she used to give us whole bottles of coke”. She was referring to the individual bottles of coke. It wasn’t what she said that spoke volumes, but the tone in which she said it, implying that our mother  was a bad, irresponsible mother. This was a childhood friend, a neighbor who had been welcomed into our home by our mother. Somehow even this innocent little girl had gotten on board the hate wagon.

This influence spread far and wide and each time I was witness to it, I remained silent.  I only had four years with my mother; how could I prove to anyone that she was good? I was a child when she disappeared from my life, and I was led to believe it was irresponsible abandonment. I did not believe this, but how does a young child explain that their heart tells them otherwise, while living in an atmosphere that forbids such declaration?

They don’t.

I didn’t.

It is up to me to finally, after decades, to confront my father without backing down again. I need to approach him with the possibility for forgiveness, but with the confidence and knowledge that I have now.

No one else is going to do it.

Not even my mother, who was robbed of her children. Despite her undying resentment toward him, she does not have the courage, strength, or desire to ever speak to my father again.

Not my sister who still feels very protective of my father, akin to Stockholm syndrome.

Not my stepmother who does not know the truth because she does not want to know it.  She has been enabled to remain obliviously unaware of the past.

But here is the good news about being the one who must hold him accountable.

I get to stand up to him, realize my own courage and speak my own truth, and fully heal my own wound.

I will no longer wonder what he will say if I mention my new-found, albeit fragile, reconnection with my mother. There it will be, my words giving voice to what should never have been taken away.

I get to reclaim my birthright, my authenticity, my power.

I get to free myself.

And forgive.

I have been warned, by a trusted expert and also by loved ones, that it won’t be easy. I know this is true. I’ve been told it will bring about feelings, and pain and memories that I may not even be aware of yet. To say that I am not looking forward to that part is an understatement. I am dreading it.

But I know that our greatest gifts lie right beneath our deepest wounds.

Many never go there, understandably. We can easily spend our whole lives avoiding it, and some do. In fact, there is all kinds of encouragement to “leave the past behind”, and “focus only on now”.

I am calling bullshit on that.

Because  if we do venture there, if we face our biggest hurts, we will be freed up in ways we could not even imagine.

I feel lucky to know this.

This is not just a topic of parent alienation. This is about facing and healing our wounds.

It’s about making our way back to our true selves.

That is the gift of the journey.

What could be greater than that?

 

Reminder: Parent Alienation Support Group in Massachusetts

Thursday, June 2, 2016 from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM

Family Development Associates
40 Speen St., #106
Framingham, MA 01701
I hope to see some of you there! 
Advertisements

13 thoughts on “The gift of our wounds

  1. Reblogged this on Parental Alienation and commented:
    The adult alienated child, if able to see the truth of their childhood, faces the daunting task of holding the alienator accountable. Ideally, adults in the child’s life would have handled this task long ago, if not stopping the alienator, at least making it more difficult for him. But in the unfortunate trauma that is parent alienation, it is often the targeted, alienated parent who is made into the villain, not only by the alienator, but also by the other people who surround the child. The disgrace fallen upon the out casted parent can be shockingly insidious.

    I can recall sitting outside with my sister and a neighborhood friend about a year or two after my mother was cast out of my life. We were young children, and one of us brought up the subject of my mother, a very rare occurrence. Our neighbor, a little girl of about six years old, said “I remember she used to give us whole bottles of coke”. She was referring to the individual bottles of coke. It wasn’t what she said that spoke volumes, but the tone in which she said it, implying that she was a bad, irresponsible mother. My sister, our paternal grandmother, and perhaps the girls’ mother, had gotten this little girl on board the hate wagon.

    This influence spread far and wide and each time I was witness to it, I remained silent. I only had four years with my mother; how could I prove to anyone that she was good? I was a child when she disappeared from my life, and I was led to believe it was irresponsible abandonment. I did not believe this, but how does a young child explain that their heart tells them otherwise, while living in an atmosphere that forbids such declaration?

    They don’t.

    I didn’t.

    It is up to me to finally, after decades, to confront my father without backing down again. I need to approach him with the possibility for forgiveness, but with the confidence and knowledge that I have now.

    No one else is going to do it.

    Not even my mother, who was robbed of her children. Despite her undying resentment toward him, she does not have the courage, strength, or desire to ever speak to my father again.

    Not my sister who still feels very protective of my father, akin to Stockholm syndrome.

    Not my stepmother who does not know the truth because she does not want to know it. She has been enabled to remain obliviously unaware of the past.

    But here is the good news about being the one who must hold him accountable.

    I get to stand up to him, realize my own courage and speak my own truth, and fully heal my own wound.

    I will no longer wonder what he will say if I mention my newfound, albeit fragile, reconnection with my mother. There it will be, my words giving voice to what should never have been taken away.

    I dare him to question this, is what I feel now. I dare him to tell me I’m wrong.

    I get to reclaim my birthright, my authenticity, my power.

    I get to free myself.

    And forgive.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I have joined a couple groups on Facebook. But I don’t ever reply. I’m embarrassed that I was married to such a hateful person. I have gone to court with this as well. They gave us a GAL. Not really happy with those results as well. He did however talk to some of our previous councilors. That’s when the game started changing.
        Where on yahoo do I look for this group PAPA? Thanks for responding

        Like

  2. I am so impressed by your strength of character that you were able to hold on to the love and belief in your mother. I pray every day that my children will see the truth and remember the love that we shared as a family, so that we can be reunited once again.
    I do say, that I do try to forgive my former husband and his new wife every day. Some days I am more successful than others. It is a work in progress. I want to forgive him, not for him, but for me. I know that holding onto the hatred and resentment against him for the loss of my children only hurts me.
    God Bless you and good luck. You and your mother are very lucky.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. My current relationship w/ my mother is very fragile and she has been hurt so much by so many that I am not even sure she trusts my intentions yet. It is a slow process but worth it. I think you are wise to try to forgive, as we cannot hold both positive thoughts and negative ones at the same time. I don’t know the ages of your children- have you pursued a diagnosis of psychological abuse, as described by Dr. Craig Childress on his blog and in his book, Foundations? I believe attempts should be made to recover ones children, but of course it has to be done wisely, legally and with the right support. I think it is akin to recovering children from a cult. They may seem they want to stay in the current situation, but they are victims and need rescuing.

      Like

      1. I believe that they do need rescuing. My children are 22, 20, 17, and 15. I will never give up on them. But it is so interesting to hear you perspective so that I can better understand what they are going through and be better prepared when they are ready to come back to me.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s