Suggestions for alienated parents

I recently spoke at a support group for alienated parents, PAS Intervention. It was heartwarming and heart-wrenching at the same time, to meet so many wonderful parents. If their children could be freed from the alienating spell they are under, I am certain they would want to run back to these loving parents.

I was given a list of questions to address and here are my notes.  They are based on my own experiences. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

What goes through a child’s mind?

*It is not a conscious choice to reject a parent; it feels like an automatic survival mechanism

*Repression of true feelings (love for the targeted parent) and therefore repression of authentic Self.

*An entire new persona can be built around this inauthentic self, especially in the case of the very brainwashed child. (In my case, I “held onto” my own mind but felt anxious/numb/powerless)

What can a parent say or do to help a child who is a minor?

*Get help/find a trusted, PA- educated professional & If possible, do not allow them to skip visits.

*Let them know you sympathize with their position & will always love them.

*Opportunities to interact w/out telling the alienating parent

What can a parent say to a young adult child?

*Let them know you sympathize with their position

*Opportunities to interact w/out telling the alienating parent

*Encourage them to think for themselves; contradict the alienator through your actions.

*Give them fact based information

*Tell them you love them and will not choose to “go away”.

Anything that might help a parent to find ways back into their child’s life:

*Maintain contact in “nonthreatening ways”

*Encourage trusted acquaintances keep contact with your child if possible-people who would speak highly of you.

*Take care of yourself: show confidence and health and stability and love and self-respect. The alienator is coming across as “all knowing/all confident/all powerful” to the child. You must top that with authentic power.

Anything that might help a parent stay in their child’s life:

DO stay in touch however possible but try not to overwhelm them w/ steps that are bigger than what they are capable of handling at this time. They would need an absolute guarantee of protection from the alienator and/or enough time completely away from him/her in order to ‘deprogram’. Until then, it does not feel safe to reconnect with you. This is true whether they are five years old or twenty years old.

 

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