1. Now: Reaching out one last time

Two thousand five hundred and ninety-two miles. That’s the distance between the house my mother lived in with us when I was small, and the house she lives in now.  Two thousand five hundred and ninety- two miles and forty-two years. That’s the distance between then and now. Between the day she left and today.

In that distance she had two more marriages and two more divorces. One of these men was an alcoholic and they had two sons together.  She worked as a crossing guard and a home health aide, moved to Arizona with her two boys, back to Massachusetts then settled in Arizona again.

In that time she did not grieve, she did not heal. Her pain is too great, too raw. Her anger towards my father so vast it could swallow her. Her grief might turn her to particles, to the dust in the desert she lives in. So she does not touch it, any of it. She cares for her pets and lives out her days with a boyfriend-I hear he’s mean.  She is my broken mother.

In that time I had another mother, then another sister.  In that distance I had a small handful of friends, a few laughs, some tears, wrote poetry, contained a large helping of fear and loneliness, a constant void.  I had some boyfriends, some not so good for me. Something was wrong. Missing. My mother. My self.

In that time, I’ve had a marriage, a happy marriage-still do. I have daughters of my own. I am the mother now too. I may be the alienated daughter, but I am also the mother. I’ve grieved and healed and am always trying to become more whole.  I want to be whole. I finally know I have the power to be; I know what to do.

In that distance I attempt reconnecting, then push my mother away. What would I tell my father? She is not supposed to exist for me. I gather my courage, I try again. She is despondent this time. More years go by.

Two thousand five hundred and ninety- two miles, and the harsh words I said since I saw her last, twenty years ago. Twenty years ago. The words I cannot take back. The time I cannot take back.  I send one last letter.

Dear Lisa,

I wanted to update you on my memoir and saw that you no longer use your email. While writing my story, I have come to learn how common parent alienation is after volatile divorces.

I was reading over some of your old letters to me and felt saddened by how poorly I handled our attempts to reconnect. I must have been angry and still very much overly concerned with my father finding out about my being in touch with you (I cannot overemphasize the degree of intimidation he instilled in me, likely beginning in toddler hood when I saw his behavior toward you, then continuing through my teens and beyond). Anyhow, you were still living in Cape Cod during most of these letters.  I am rather regretful that you left Massachusetts (though I do understand the desire for warm weather, etc.) I wonder if I had handled things differently, if you might have stayed. And now to hear that you have no email and no phone makes me wonder if you are choosing to isolate.

You can always contact me if you choose to. I won’t keep writing (except for perhaps a final book update, if it is published). I hope by my writing the truth about what happened will bring you some peace of mind. There are blogs etc written by women who went through very similar situations as yourself. You are not alone.

If you have anything you want to write/add/say that you think will add clarity to the story, it is not too late to do this. If not, that’s okay too. I have a good understanding of what went on for you, thanks to our talks and letters so many years ago now.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Kelly

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49 thoughts on “1. Now: Reaching out one last time

  1. Lisa,
    I so regret your loss and pain. The alienation from your mother seems different from classic parental alienation syndrome in which one parent turns the child agains the other parent. But your loss of your mother is a great and terrible one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. At four years old I was too young to need to be ‘turned against’ my mother in the classic sense. My father was simply able to bully her out of our lives, so to speak. So yes, it’s true that this was a more unusual case of complete and almost immediate alienation. Then there was an unspoken view that I grew up with of “she was not even worthy of visitation”. But deep down I knew that wasn’t true, because my brief memories of her were good ones.

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      1. Thank you. I am being bullied now. My young daughters head is being filled with things. She just thinks she is being a good girl for her dad. He uses God a lot on her.

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    2. I don’t think it’s that unusual. Many moms want to just disappear from the torment of not having to be able to be in a normal, affectionate relationship with their child. It is confusing and traumatic and sometimes you do whatever you can to heal because you might just decide to die, otherwise. I know that was true for me and my former mother-in-law who was also cut out of her children’s lives by a hateful, controlling ex-husband.

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    3. Hi Dr Linet, I am a mother of 3 dealing with severe parental alienation (I actually consulted with you on the phone). I’m curious to understand more. Can you further explain why you see this alienation as different than the classic parental alienation?

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    4. It appears to me by your comment that you do not understand Parental Alienenation…Her mother was alienated from her just as she was her mother. Her mother’s reaction was simply a coping mechanism…a way to survive so to speak. Just as Kelly had to do during
      her formative years…without the right to love and be loved by her natural parent…in her case, her mother.

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    1. Kelly,
      I am an alienated mother. I was always the “best mom” I could be. I made good choices and and am respected in my community and profession. I never “did anything wrong” yet my son was successfully alienated against me by his father. My son is an adult with an intellectual disability and was not fully alienated/indoctrinated until he was 18. He is now 22 and I have not spoken with him for a year. I felt extra sorry for myself because I thought if he were a “normal” adult he would get to “outgrow” the alienation, think for himself and magically reunite with me. After reading stories like yours and many other adults I now understand the even more horrifying reality that even adults with “normal” mental functioning go on to continue being alienated from their targeted parent. I want to tell you to never make a “final” attempt to reach your mother. Your contact with her may be her salvation in some deep healing way you may never see. Find a way to reach her and never stop trying. She has given in to being broken in the saddest way possible. Hearing from you can help restore her soul even if she is too broken to respond the way you would like her to. I am sorry you had to grow up without your mother. It should be punishable. You were one of thousands and thousands of powerless and voiceless children. Thank you for your blog and for raising awareness of hostile-aggressive parenting.

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      1. Thank you for reading, and for your wise perspective of the alienated mom. That she has “given in to being broken in the saddest way…” is so true. I feel I am walking a line of not giving up trying to reach her, but also needing to respect her boundary. She had spent so many years trying to contain her grief and I brought it all to the surface. I have been able to heal from the alienation, but she hasn’t. I am so thankful to have the chance to potentially help,in some way,other parents, even if not my own,and by doing so, help reach the children as well.

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  2. I am going through this right now. Just finished a divorce and my narcissistic ex has successfully alientated my once close 18 year old daughter from me…all in the name of money. Sherry, I can completely relate to your post, and it brought tears to my eyes. I’ve never felt a great pain. People tell me she will come around, but if she does, it seems like much farther off in the future than I had ever imagined. Kelly, I’m so sorry for your loss and situation. It’s so painful on all ends. I can’t wait to read your memoir; I think it will be so helpful.

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    1. Julie, I hope you are able to keep some contact with your daughter so she will witness your consistent love and attempts. This is a terribly painful situation for both of you, but you are the one who can see what is happening, which must add great frustration as well. You have had many yrs with her- and reason to remain very hopeful. I am writing my memoir right on this blog, one chapter/ post at a time. Upon completing it, I will turn it into book form.

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      1. Thank you for the feedback. My daughter is so angry at me for the invented sins my ex seems to have told her (I don’t even know what they are; I only have glimpses). I waver between taking an assertive/aggressive mom approach (which has never been my style), to hanging back and waiting, as my gentle attempts at reaching out seemed to have had no effect, and/or made things worse. The last message I got from her, just a week ago, said, “It will be a long time before you see me.” 😦

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      2. This is heartbreaking, but there is every hope that she will awaken to the brainwashing that has been done, once she is ready. I think it’s good if you don’t engage in arguments, but rather stay consistent in your love and presence (as much as you are ‘allowed’).

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    2. These days my motto is “live the life that wants you”. I have a wonderful family, career and friends. If my son wants to find me he will find a mom who sees herself as worthy and lovable not a pathetic “victim”. Peace be with us all in this horrible circumstance.

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      1. Where do you find this courage….how do you lift yourself higher than the pain that pulls you down…..I am sure you are a very special person…..I hope your son will see that soon ….

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      2. Karishma, it took a lot of time for me to get to a place where I can grow again as person in my own right. I am a mother and always will be, but I am so much more and so are you. Use adversity to look within and imagine you are still setting an example for your child in the way you handle adversity and pain. You are worthy of love and respect. See what new chapter awaits!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks Sherry….there is a lot of be understood about the human spirit…..wherever you are ..I pray that the grace and optimism you have shown will make the Universe connect you with your son…

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  3. Hello.

    Parental Alienation is a soul-destroying form of abuse for child and parent. I am an alienated Dad from the UK. It was very painful to have to watch the emotional and psychological abuse happen on a daily basis because I had no legal rights to stop it under English law.

    I write a postcard to my son twice a month and I publish them to a blog in the hope that he will read them one day, if not now (postcards4nathan.blogspot.com).

    Your blog is really very helpful and well worth the effort. I look forward to seeing your book when you publish it. I am certain that it will make a big difference to many people’s lives.

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. I will check out your blog- what a perfect idea. Best wishes for a reconnection some day. Be hopeful and hold that reunion in your mind always.

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  4. Dear Kelly….I read your poem and I can’t begin to express what a void it has left in me…..I could feel your pain, confusion and helplessness. I am so glad that you are getting to be ‘whole’ again….it is hopeful just to know that it is possible. Please don’t stop trying with your mom….the walls are big and your attempts fall on nothing at all….but please don’t stop trying….she needs to close her life knowing that you loved her and still love her…..that your awful father could not destroy the love between a mother and her daughter…it is timeless and pure…..this is the battle you must try and win….so in the end your father looses….I am sorry if I have crossed the line….did not mean to…sending you lots of love and hope your family gives you lots of smiles and warm heart till the very end,

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    1. Thank you. I have made sure to tell my mother that in my messages to her. Part of my healing has had to include forgiving my father (and forgiving my mother for giving up very early on). I have only spoken to my father about this one time so far, but in my heart I have forgiven- this took a long time and I know that I may be rejected by him for writing my story, but I am willing to accept it if it comes to that.

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as the alienated child. I have been alienated from all three of my children. At first I totally blamed myself for making mistakes as a single parent. I only wanted the best for my children and felt like I was failing miserably, so when they one -by- one asked if they could live with their father, I let them go knowing he could provide for them better financially. I trusted that I would still be respected as their mother and we would continue having a loving relationship in spite of new living arrangements. Unfortunately I was wrong. My children have not spoken to me in two years. Looking back I see the alienation started before they even moved in with their father, and once they were under his roof the full brainwashing began. Needless to say, I miss them terribly and it hurts knowing they may never understand what has happened.
    Your blog gives me hope. I understand your mother’s despair, but as a mom I know life is much better with your children than without. Keep trying to reach her. It is my dream that one day one, or all, of my children will reach out to me or at least respond to my attempts to reach them.
    Thank you again for sharing.

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  6. Thank you for this blog. Ive often wondered what, if at all my children thought of me. Somewhere deep inside I know it is the judgement of their father their fear. They know and they’ve always known there are no conditions on my love. They need to be angry with me for now, as it serves as armor. In time there will be cracks in the armor and they will realize that the weight of the armor can be let go of.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am an alienated mother since last year. My son now 12 tipped, his father forced him to choose and he chose him and his stepmother, both very controlling. I still grieve for my son, and in this stop start stop start roller coaster of a journey, I will never give up on my son. I will fight the courts and try to get him back to see him. 9 months now since I have seen him, 9 months since the day I was awarded, confirmed, affirmed residence and 9 months in honouring the Residence Order he went to spend the weekend with his dad and never came back. His father points the finger at me, his father gaslights me, tells my son I have been mean to him.

    I have never been mean to my beautiful boy.

    Through this grief is a mother’s love, and you know, you have carried your daughters, that never leaves you, and the same for your Mum. She will never forget, never ever. I hope I haven’t lost my son forever. I hope one day, each day, day upon day, I hope he comes back to me, some day, one day. Please give your Mum hope, give her your forgiveness, so she can forgive herself, and bring you both peace. I am one of 58,000 other mothers, may be more that aren’t recorded. This is a taboo subject and these stories need to be known. I am writing my story. Please don’t stop loving her. She may be broken, I may break too if I don’t see my lovely son soon. All 58,000 mothers are in some way broken through the selfishness, narcissistic, controlling others who manipulate the child…..the child, so trusting and innocent. That innocence is abused by the person they stay with. So very, very sad.

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    1. Teddy is such a lovely name. I know how much pain you are in. One day your Teddy will come back. He sees you in his dreams…He thinks he sees you from the corner of his eye sometimes. His heart sags every time he hears something bad about you, because it is also about him. He is half you. He knows this. Your smile will never fade from his memory. Pick yourself up, succeed in all you do, love others and he will see what a strong and positive person you are. He wants to see you be happy.

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      1. The letter I just read that was posted on American Mother’s of Lost Children blog was powerful as if is rare to hear a grown child’s story who lived through the “maternal deprivation” nightmare.

        I am so sorry, yet, at the same time you are a wonderful writer.

        I need my son’s father and his whole family to read that letter, and his wife, not that it will matter, and not that they will, but I ask for your permission to post it on my blog and address it to my son’s father and family (going on three years no meaningful contact–my son is eight now).

        Check out my blog, (Dedicated to) The Real Mommies and Daddies of the Real America, and Our Children who Want to Come Home, and Especially to my Little Jewel, Julian Jacob Worrell of Genealogy Saloom.

        Go to http://www.jonisaloom.wordpress.com (The Real Mommies and Daddies of the Real America).

        I am so glad you are writing. How is your REAL mommy? What does “Daddy” Dearest have to say? How do he and the stepmommy answer for themselves?

        Did you ever go back and track down the judges and others involved, and probably law enforcement and CPS (though I don’t know any specifics of your story, this is now the scheme worked in conjuction with the state Attorney General’s Office of Child Support Enforcement to Switch Custody to the Father for “Socio-Economic” Reason (Invidiously discriminatory gender bias against (wo)man, mother and child, amongst many other things.

        Please know that if your mother is like any of the other thousands of us, this killed her, maybe not in spirit, but in every other unthinkable, unimaginable way, the likes of which I imagine you know.

        I am rooting for you, not that you haven’t already won. I die for your mother’s loss reading this letter as well (on the Mother’s blog as I was too excited to reach out to you, so I have yet to read on the topic above, but I am bout to do that. Forgive me.

        Keep writing!

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      2. Thank you for the link (I will check it out!) and for writing. Yes, you are welcome to share my writing however you like. There was no court involvement in my parents’ case. Also, my father and stepmother really did not have to answer for themselves because they were never questioned while I was growing up (and my stepmother actually believed my real mother had just walked out- which is what my father wanted her to believe). It was never discussed. I think my real mother is getting along well enough, but I lost touch w/ her many yrs ago- we had a fairly brief and clumsy reunification that neither of us was quite prepared for. I wish I could have a redo. Maybe some day. It is terrible how an entire tribe (family) will get behind the alternator, but not unusual. Take care- I hope you gain strength and healing and get your precious son back.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for writing. I don’t understand how a 12 year old boy is given the choice of who to live with. How was his father able to ‘force him to choose’? You had custody. Did the court/lawyer/judge not intervene if that the father would be breaking a law. Your son should not have gotten to choose. Is there no intervention for this? I have no experience w/ the court but seems you would be completely in your right to insist he return- even if it requires legal intervention (but it shouldn’t! You were awarded custody! What am I missing here?)

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  8. Kelly,

    After just now reading the post above, I absolutely have to reassure you beyond a shadow of a doubt (at least in my mind, though albeit biased by similar circumstances) that :

    (1) Your father lied about an alleged affair, unless of course you saw it happen with your own two eyes!!! It is not terribly uncommon for some men (and probably women, or so I hear, though the tide has turned for political and financial reasons) to perpetuate the same horrendous lie. It is very common, in fact, at least, among this group (“protective parents” comes to mind as generalized categories go).

    (2) I myself went from attending semi-Ivy League colleges with no money and with the help only of the Lord and his team above and everywhere in between, to teaching, a sales career, only to end up in the same situation as your mother. The family court private investigators, government stoolies, father’s private investigators (and all lawyers have their own that they make parents use if they hire them), and DEFINITELY SOCIAL SERVICES, AND the fathers themselves track the mother as they did me and other mothers whose stories I have heard on every single job interview and, just as mother is told to expect and offer letter and ask if she will accept it, mysteriously, no more call backs after sometimes MONTHS of formal interviews and assessments and ride-along interviews passed! CPS has spies everywhere, as do father’ s rights lobbyist pro-pedophile, as alleged and on many women’s powerful affirmative evidence. What they routinely do is make it beyond a Task of Hercules for the Mother to Appeal the Case and Rat Out the Judge’s Bribe (Now a Flat $20,000 Fee, many mothers have even located the receipts–Federal “Responsible Fatherhood” and ;Marriage Health and Human Service Department Grants administered through block grant funding to the “States.” I myself have, at times, during the last almost three years (May 08 2012 they abducted my only child, my little boy who was then five years old after he made allegations of sexual abuse against his father and the “Visitor,” while allegedly on court-ordered “visitation” with his father and then very new step-mommy after his father had ignored him for over a year (just dropped him at age 4–we were never married, the father and I, and he went years without speaking to me though we were bound by 50/50 parenting agreement at the time, prior to the dreaded, pernicious, EVIL, CORRUPT, legal kidnapping RICO FAMILY COURT CON AND FRAUD CUSTODY-SWITCHING SCAM (where everybody gets a piece of the action save for the abused and monetized children).

    Also, I am not sure if your father and/or Stepmommy had the financial resources for these designer schemes and political and BAR member favors and kickbacks and relationships in which the judges were conflicted as they have now bought into–invested in–projects and programs to literally be filled by the very same children whose fate they are charged with deciding, and it is always, and was always (and Kelly I have been reading twenty-four hours a day for three years almost on these topics and brought federal lawsuit for which I am apparently being further retaliated against for bringing by myself, “sui juris.”) in breach of their fiduciary duty, but please know that it is now very fashionable to set parents up for crimes, especially in California and Texas (and probably many other states as well), such as “DIRTY” DUI/DWI”s, “ASSAULTS,” etc. and to get protective orders where the state codes that are actually not laws, but are called them, presumes, unconstitutionally, thus, illegally, that targeted individual mother or father can never get a decent job again, are stigmatized as these charges cannot be expunged, and it can be extremely expensive or next to impossible in political cases to walk back into the same court of criminal government conspirators and attorneys who broke their un laws in the first place and will also get involved to further make sure targeted mom or dad, political prisoner, whatever, has no further credibility. I have repeatedly been denied work for MINIMUM WAGE JOBS, though I have two degrees and attended elite universities, worked my way through both high school and college, and extensive work experience and was a collegiate athlete. Are you kidding me? If they are doing this now, I can assure you that whatever system or scheme or crime(s), if even against humanity and for at least child abuse (See the Alanna Krause case if you haven’t already, though I am sure you have–The Girl, Interrupted movie real life story), that your father, at least, committed against your mother and you girls, and you have already alleged them, then in my mind and experience, there is a highly probable and statistically significant chance that literally all the ills with which your mother has had to contend and that were specifically designed to keep you apart, and worse, on knowledge and belief, are in some way correlated, if not directly caused, or at least reasonable and logical explanations for inconsistencies in stories and mode of living. There is a very good chance your mother does not even know you are trying to get in touch with he/r, at least, that is how the brief story that I was privy to read or sounded. THIS IS TERRIBLE!!! FORTY-TWO YEARS! OH, NO, THIS MUST BE FIXED! THERE ARE MYSTERIES TO BE SOLVED HERE. YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE FULL STORY, AND IF YOU GOT EVEN PART OF IT, TRUST ME THAT A MAN,WOMAN, FATHER, OR MOTHER WHO COULD KEEP HIS NATURAL BORN CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEIR BIOLOGICAL MOTHER (WHO, BY THE WAY, SCIENCE SAYS CARRIES HER CHILDREN’S BIO CELLS, THOSE BORN AND UNBORN–ABORTED OR TERMINATED– FOR FORTY TO FIFTY YEARS AFTER THE BIRTH OR PREGNANCY RELATED TO THAT BABY.

    (3) With regard to the social and political milieu and routine practice and procedure of social services and the courts when this would have been happening to your mother, I certainly cannot guarantee that these exact schemes by the states and social services and angry father’s who just wanted out of paying child support and might be total psychopaths (“narcissist” being the trendy term nowadays)

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    1. Thank you for writing. I am so sorry that you deal w/ PA. My mother did have an affair, but at the time it was part of her plan to escape my father, w/ me and my sister in tow. (my post: Moth story recounts this). She was literally thrown out of our home and cast aside. My father immediately got temp custody for “abandonment” and by that point she broke down and did not fight for custody. (I am giving away my memoir here!). So no court involvement in our case. This was over 40 yrs ago btw.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Kelly,
    You reaching out to your mother is the day that every mother who has ever lost custody of her child dreams about. I hope she is able to accept your gesture and that you two are able to build a relationship with one another.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Kelly,
    Thank you for making others aware. My boys were taken from me at the ages of 3 & 4 – I fought for 9 long years for them. I did not go 365 consecutive days without being put on supervised visits for one reason or another, I would go months with no contact. My life was pure hell. I lost everything in my divorce including my children to a very abusive narcissistic ex and a corrupt court system. When the money ran out for the lawyers, I got educated and defended myself – damn lot of good it did me. I watched from a window as my then 11 year old son screamed in terror about having to see me at the therapists office, all he wanted to do was go home to his “new mom” – It was absolutely devastating. For 9 years I fought and I cried, and I am damn glad I never gave up. In the end my sons finally won. Finally it was proved he was alienating the boys from me – or trying at least. Finally a group of therapists saw through it all. A court granted me temporary and then permanent custody of my sons. their father asked that all his rights be terminated and walked out of the court room, never to be heard from again. I tell you this so your readers will know – while my sons said they hated and feared me, it was all an act for survival. They did what must be done to not endure the abuse that follows after showing affection to their monster mother. They are happy now, being boys again – they are healthy now – they are forever emotionally scarred by the abuse and the guilt. They have left a legacy here in Colorado in which to help save so many more children from this nightmare of abuse. I hope beyond hope that you never stop reaching out to your mother. I know there were times I just wanted to give up. I was angry and hurt and destroyed. Please don’t ever give up.

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    1. Your story is so important. It is rare to hear of a therapist (or group of them) who see are aware of what is going on and help to reunite the children w/ the alienated parent! Yours is a story of hope and one I hope many professionals and others will learn from. Thank you for writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi,

        This is Ashish from India,
        I have been doing research from last 6 years on PAS,
        I found your story i might consider for social awareness shortfilm which i intend to make if you can allowed to make,
        This will be non commercial subject, as PAS is spreading across india nowadays so i have a intention to make a proper documented documentary for the sake of awareness in India and indian society,as i do understand as i am also an divorcee but luckily we didnt had kid to suffer,
        you can express your thoughts on ashk.prod@gmail.com
        Thanks,
        Regards

        Liked by 2 people

  11. Hello- Mia from Mass.I have been alienated from my 2 sons since they were 11 and 13. My oldest was acting up- long story short he would always threaten to go live with his father ( as a lot of kids do) he came after me one night and I pushed him, he call his father, who called the police, who arrested me for A & B on a child ( the town I lived in the police knew I was having problems and wanted him on CHINS but I knew I son couldn’t follow the rules and with CHINS he can be put in foster care) My ex never helped. After the police came my son said he wanted to live with father, not sure if people know that in MA at age 13 you can decide which parent you want to live with, A&b charges were thrown out and my son said he wanted to stay with his father. After many meetings with child therapists- I walked through what the damage would be separating my 2 sons, would they ever regain their bond? grow distant living, going to school, playing football in different towns with different friends, so when he asked to with brother I agreed, Now let me tell I NEVER EVER EVER knew what PAS was or could ever imagine my ex husband even had it in him to keep the boys from me. I am not stupid woman. Now they are 22 and tomorrow my oldest turns 24. For years I would see them here and there, go to their games but never a part of their lives. As they got older they became accustomed to not having a mom in their life daily. Girlfriends would come and go- I never knew about them, never could go to sport banquets, I move to the same town and my ex told the other parent how I ” lost custody due to abuse” I never got school info- sports etc although I certainly threatened the law. I have been a part of the PAPA Yahoo Group for years and Split in Two. Now after all these, I just cannot help but wonder if these just have built their without me, over time because they could tell me things and I could not go to things, they just stopped entertaining contact with me because they went it for so long… they moved on with life without a mother and that was their life. I have never given up but I also have not moved on with my life. Only now for brief periods of time when I hear about something in their lives from others I don’t lose it, They don’t call me , get my mothers day card, b-day cards etc, I would send when they were in college ( on top of support) youngest just graduated, I read so many conflicting articles that these kids who are alienated actually do forget life with us as custodial parents, not because they are forced but because the memories almost become so faded that is like they never happened, There were with from age 3 and 5 to 11 and 13. Now 22 and 24. All the really important events and memories they retain happened without me, My older son when I would text him and he wanted money ( only time he contacted me ) when I stopped giving it, I was a loser mother, ruined his life, most mothers would do this or that for their kids – my god, I did anything and everything until I was told to smarten up, it FUXK You Mia” not mom but Mia. ” You are the devils spawn” ” what kind of mother would not buy this or that for their kids” Josh I would of the word Mother and say I have not been a mother to you forever. There are no pix of me on there Facebook or Twitter page, but all kind of my exs and MY family are posted. I just in May found out my youngest son who was a senior in college had been an assistant capt for his colleges Jr Varisty team for the past 2 years, They or no one- not even my family ( which is another story-) did. Never went to one college game because I did not know he made the team. So- When we not give up but when do we realize that we may have to accept we will never be moms again? I missed to many important milestone, events etc. Do kids memories of early childhood fade and they forget life with you after 11 years of life without you. Sorry for the long post but someone on a group mention this same thing and the comments were 50/50 from the alienated parents. Can we hold to the pain and hope and also have our own lifes?

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