If I were to look at my life through an old fashioned movie reel, there’d be two frames that’d stand out above all the rest, and in stark contrast to each other. The first frame would show the worst thing that ever happened to me: being torn from my mother at the age of four. The other frame would be the bestthing: the day I met God.
I’ve written about the worst thing many times. My mother loss is the soul wound that I’ve tried to patch up, wanting to be whole with all my might. Page after page, I’ve been trying to piece myself back together. It is a labor of love, using whatever love I can muster up for myself. That I was taken from my mother, that is painful for people to read. But bad things happen and people believe it. It is true. My mother loved me. I loved her. She was good and I was told to believe she was bad. She was alive and I was expected to pretend she was dead. It has been scary to tell my truth, but how could I not tell it?
But the good thing, the best day, the day that I became whole, well that has taken me over fifteen years to even contemplate writing about. I recall that day with just as much clarity as the worst day; so much clarity in fact that it is almost blinding to my senses when I recall it, even now.
Why didn’t I write about it sooner? For one thing, what if the telling makes it less real? What if I am giving something away that was meant only for me? But also, there is only so much I can expect people to believe. It might sound unbelievable to some, especially those who don’t believe in miracles.
Which brings me back to God and the day I met Him. Or Her. Or perhaps more accurately, All That Is. Creator. Higher Self or Inner Being. I am not a particularly religious person in the traditional sense. I don’t go to church. I’ve never read the bible. But when you think you’ve been broken, eventually you turn to God to fix you. I prayed, I meditated, I did God my own way, which was privately, quietly, and with my whole heart.
Then one day God showed up like a Mother. I mean he showed up in a Very Big Way. I had gone to bed the night before distraught over something, the details of which are not important, but that had everything to do realizing I was not yet whole. I felt desperate to be whole. Desperate. I could not undo the past. I could not fix myself. I had all the material things I needed, and I had true love in my life. I also had my writing, my passions. But I still had that gaping hole where my wound was and that night I really felt it. That night, I lost hope that I could fix myself, so I turned it over to God. I turned my un-whole self over. I recall that I surrendered, completely and intentionally; I am talking Jesus take the wheel surrender. And then I fell asleep.
The next morning, well, how can I tell you about this? How do I frame it? I was new. Real. Whole. And so very alive. I remember it all so clearly, so I will tell it clearly too. There were five feelings, or knowings, – there were five things that I awoke to find myself being – without even trying. There were just these five ways of being that took me over. Nothing at all was new on the outside, but I was suddenly different on the inside.
Presence I was completely in the moment. My mind was not on the past or the future. I remember the phone ringing and not wanting to answer it, because I absolutely did not want to be pulled out of the present moment. I was totally, completely, there, mind, body and spirit. Instead of overthinking, worrying, and analyzing, I was simply being. I spent much less time in my head, and more time in in my body where my heart dwelled, where my feelings could flow through me. Instead of thinking, thinking, thinking, I was living. Life was now.
Joy I was completely satisfied with the moment. Whether I was doing a jigsaw puzzle with my children, or taking a walk alone, it was joyful. I had no craving, no desire for something different. I was enjoying life in the purest sense of the word.
Love I was filled with love for myself and others. I was overflowing with love. I was love.
Self-Care I recognized and met my own needs, moment by moment, simply, and directly. When I was hungry I ate. When I was full, I stopped. When I was tired, I laid down. I exercised moderately and without fanfare or much planning. I just did it. And I accepted my body completely, knowing I was giving it whatever it needed, without obsessing or even thinking about it, really.
Belief I knew that anything was possible. I had met God. God was within me. My self-imposed limits vanished. I knew that the more I “let go”, and allowed myself to be guided into right action, the better chance of achieving whatever I wanted.
And that is it. That is all of what I felt, and all of what I became that day that I met God. I was living, not in my head, but in my Whole Self . I was whole and it felt amazing. But before I lead you astray, I must confess something.
This did not last.
IT lasted a few days, or a week at most. And they were the most glorious days. But slowly, my doubt came back. My distracted mind returned. I judged people again, including myself, and I neglected my own care, or expected others to meet the needs that were mine to meet. Bit by bit, I gave my power away without meaning to. My ego woke back up. I got busy and overwhelmed. I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t check in with my Self. I started to lose my way again.
But the really good news is that I know what to strive for now: To be more present, to find joy in my life every single day, to love and care for myself and to find the best in others. To believe that all of this is possible. Every. Single. Day.
My dreams are possible.
So are yours.
I aim to feel this way every day now and I fall short, every single time, but sometimes I get close. And God always meets me in the middle.
Perhaps I was meant to tell you about the day I met God.
Maybe the story was never mine to keep.
It does not feel less real, now that I’ve given it away, now that I’ve told you about this.
It feels more real.
And I feel more real.
I am whole, just like you. I was all along. I’d just forgotten.
Memories of an Alienated Daughter 